Why I Started a Blog- Dan Godley

My name is Dan Godley and I was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer at the age of 28. In response to the diagnosis, I started a blog to talk about my experience dealing with cancer and beyond. I titled it Ebb and Flow after the chorus of a song I like by a little-known UK band called Homebound who are no longer together. The phrase nicely represents the ups and downs of both the struggle against cancer, as well as the general trend of life itself. It has helped me gain perspective when I have needed it most, reminding me that the highs of life are only possible because of the lows and that both are equally valuable in someone’s story.

I had never tried my hand at writing before but have always been an avid reader. I would write down sentences that I liked in the notes application on my phone and re-read them as I sat on the underground on my way into work. I used to save a list of interesting words and challenge my mum to define them. She almost always had an inkling of their meaning and I wondered where she had the capacity to store all this information in her brain, as I barely remembered what I had eaten for breakfast that morning.

Upon being diagnosed, I was immediately admitted to hospital for two nights for an emergency procedure. I was experiencing jaundice at the time due to a bile duct being blocked, and I couldn’t start treatment until it was corrected. Suddenly, I found myself needing to process a list of firsts; having to stay in hospital overnight, having a procedure done under general anaesthetic, and coming to terms with having pancreatic cancer, after an original diagnosis that was less severe.

As I was sat there struggling to sleep in the hospital bed, I started writing some poetry on my phone. It was cathartic, and the words seemed to fall onto the page like it was writing itself. I wrote ‘Alive’ as I sat awake in the hospital, contemplating the situation.

The boundaries are blurred so I wait,
Observing from a distance,
I consider my fate.

In time there’s some meaning,
I establish my feelings,
A calming naivety, au fait.

As I recoil back within,
Escape the prison of my skin,
I know that I suffer, but I’m alive.

There’s moments of fear,
And flashes of pain.

Some days last an hour,
Some hours last a day.

In confidence, I cry out and drop the facade,
But I fight on regardless.

Alive.

The process of writing poetry was proving to be so cathartic that I decided to write about my journey to being diagnosed. I had moved back in with my parents by this point and was a few days away from starting chemotherapy. It was a time full of anxiety and worry, and I was struggling to process the situation. ‘The Road to Diagnosis‘ became the first series of posts on the blog, and it was amazing to hear the response of family, friends and beyond to the writing.

I then started writing ‘The Chemotherapy Diaries‘ series which allowed me to reflect more on my experience starting treatment, as well as add more humour to the writing. It felt easier to make light of the treatment phase because the goal of it is positive, it is the means to getting better. The Road to Diagnosis felt more morbid by nature because it was the journey to my final diagnosis, but I still found myself interjecting humour into parts of the story as I better-processed events.

Random strangers were commenting on the posts and were relating to the words; not necessarily because they had experienced the exact same things, but they were drawing links to events that had happened in their lives, or someone close to them. The comments vindicated me of any worries I had that the content was boring and irrelevant to other people, and I felt more confident sharing my experiences.

I am still establishing the full purpose of the blog, and the concept of being a ‘blogger’. My confidence is growing in my own voice, and I am branching out beyond just writing about cancer. I started a series called ‘The ‘C’ Word’, specifically not to talk about cancer or anything related to it, but just to write generally on things that are on my mind.

These blogs are the ones that I get the most anxious about releasing, and I find myself constantly checking my phone to see what people are saying in response to them. They feel intimate in a way that the cancer ones don’t, and I get worried that I will be judged for some of the things I am saying. I remind myself that this is the best opportunity for me to embrace vulnerability though, and by doing so, I hope to encourage others to do the same. I have also enrolled in a creative writing course and want to post some short stories on the blog in good time. For now, enjoy reading a few of the posts and leave a comment if you want to interact. I am always checking them and trying to respond to everyone.

By Dan Godley

Thank you to Dan for providing us with this blog. We wish him the best in the rest of his treatment and will continue to read his pieces. If you’d like to read Dan’s blog, you can click here. Don’t forget to read Dan’s piece on “Exercise & Me”.

If you are living with pancreatic cancer, or supporting someone with it, and looking for more information on exercise, diet and nutrition, or advice on living with your diagnosis, click the link below.